The Queen's Burglar
by gideondorf
Summary: Adventure Time Fionna and Cake AU. The Arkenstone Queen kidnaps her beloved burglar Bilba in hopes of marrying her. Thilbo


The burglar moved with grace, knowing the family wouldn't know what hit them. They were candy, so they probably wouldn't even notice for a while. That brought all the more cheer to her, knowing that the candy family wouldn't even know until it was far too late. They'd spend weeks trying to crack the case, when it had run cold weeks, months, and maybe even years before. Oh, if she could only see the looks on their faces when they discovered their precious objects gone!

She gingerly dug through their collection of objects. A few of them looked good enough to grab, but there were more houses ahead, and she didn't want to get stocked up while the night was still young. None of them were very old, maybe only two generations past if her calculation was correct. She looked around, then finally settled on taking a small jewelry box, and inside was a real ruby along with some candy. She put a piece in her mouth, then another. Though it wasn't very valuable money wise, it was delicious. She quickly shut the box, then dropped it in her burlap sack. She quickly put the items back in a neat and orderly fashion, then snuck out through the window that she had come in through. The night air was warm, the moon outside bright. She quickly closed the window, but was careful to make sure that it didn't make a sound.

The previous house had been made of a giant cupcake, but the next one was made of two large scoops of ice cream, but it wouldn't melt. She snuck in through a window once more, but this one had nothing on it. The owners must not fear animals coming inside. Then again, how could they? The burglar was glad for her small, thin frame and what it allowed her to do. She left the burlap sack outside.

The inside of the house was warm. The burglar took each step carefully, making sure that her hairy feet didn't make a single sound. Pictures of a large candy family covered the wall, none interesting the burglar. The grandfather clock sitting beside the kitchen door was interesting, but it was too obvious, and she would have to hustle to get away with it. Her eyes searched the room, looking for something. Her eyes rested on a statue of a candy cane that glittered faintly in the moonlight. A few crystals were engraved into it. The burglar grabbed it, deciding that it was the only thing worth bagging anyway. This family seemed to not care about more valuable objects, instead their sights were set on various knickknacks that would be worth nothing in the future.

The burglar left, then walked to the next house. The window was larger here, but she couldn't see anything through it. This kind of house was always risky to go to. She bit her lip, wondering if it was worth it or not.

"No," she whispered, then went to the next house. She didn't want to have to steal herself out of jail again and have no prizes to go with it. She ended up going to a new neighborhood, and as she dodged past the candy guard she noticed a piece of paper pinned on the side of a candy pub. Her hands grabbed it without effort, and she took a good long look at it. Her image was very faint, mainly because it was hard to see her, especially with the mask. She had to suppress a giggle (and at the same time a groan); they just couldn't get her nose right.

She put it in her bag, then continued to the next neighborhood. Some noises came from some houses, so she quickly ran to the next neighborhood. Why couldn't they be good candy and be asleep at this hour?

The next neighborhood was much more peaceful, but on the outskirts of the candy kingdom. The burglar sighed; her adventure was just going to have end early that night. Well, there was always tomorrow. Besides, she could at least get a good deal of money out of the few things that she'd stolen.

She looked into a house made out of cotton candy and saw a few items of value. She snuck inside of a window, then stood still for a moment. The job was stressful, and every noise could send her on edge. She tiptoed over to the mantelpiece and looked over the items. There were some pictures, two small purple jeweled rings, and a small pile of books.

Jackpot, the burglar thought, then grabbed the books and rings. The rings she put in her bag, but the books were for her own personal use. It was hard to find things that caught her fancy, but these books were worn, the pages yellow and smelling of dust. Now these were a real steal. The burglar had to keep herself from laughing at her own joke. She didn't even try to hide the fact that she'd robbed these candy people.

The burglar had a skip to her step as she went to the next house. The books were held to her side, and she was dying to read them. She decided that this was going to be her last house for the night. To shake things up, she snuck down the chimney, which was small and made of licorice. Once she got down, she immediately noticed something of interest. Sitting by the fireplace was a small purse, probably belonging to whoever lived in the house. Inside was a wallet with some money in it. The burglar grabbed it, then snuck up the chimney, not caring about whatever else was inside. She was done with looking at one room in each house anyway. The only reason she was being so cautious was because she didn't want to go to jail again, but now her night was over. She ran out of the candy kingdom, and once she was past its border and unknowing citizens and guards, she laughed. The only reason he was a burglar was because it felt right and because she loved the freedom of it. When she went to the market the next day she was going to earn a killing.

She snuck off to the hole she lived in and snuck inside. No one would ever find her because no one expected a burglar to live in a literal hole in the ground. It was hidden inside a hill, and though it was a hole it was quite cozy. Inside were all the things she loved, fine jewels and gold, all sitting beside books and doilies. She put the books up on her bookshelf, then plopped a few on the tea table beside her armchair. Tomorrow she was going to have a nice day reading. She went into her bedroom and went to bed.

The next day was warm. The burglar woke up with a smile on her face, and the skip to her step from yesterday was there again. She went into her kitchen and began to prepare herself some breakfast, making herself some tea and waffles. She whistled as she waited for the waffles to finish toasting and for the tea to be ready. Once it was, she decided to go outside and enjoy the beautiful day.

The sun shone on her skin and made her hair sparkle. Passing above her was a queen, and when she looked down her eyes couldn't leave her.

"Arkenstone queen!" the burglar yelled when the woman flew down and grabbed her. "Couldn't you at least wait until after second breakfast?"

"It's one in the afternoon!" the Arkenstone queen replied.

"Well excuse me for my job making me work late hours." She began to struggle, but the queen was stronger than her.

"Now you're going to marry me!" the Arkenstone queen said, then clutched her close to her chest. "I'm going to finally get my own burglar!"

The burglar sighed.

Eventually they reached the Arenstone queen's palace, which the burglar was far too accustomed to. She'd been inside it before, having been kidnapped hundreds of times before. Always she would steal herself away, grabbing a few of the Arkenstone queen's treasures to take with her. Though it was pleasing to the burglar's eyes, she didn't want to end up sharing it with the Arkenstone queen.

"Smauga," said the queen to her dragon henchwoman, "get my burglar ready for our date."

The burglar groaned. "I'm missing out on second breakfast for this?"

The Arkenstone queen frowned. "Make sure she looks nice." She batted her eyelashes at the burglar. "See you tonight, sweetheart. I don't mean to leave you alone with Smauga, but I need to make sure that I look my best." She flipped her hair, then batted her eyelashes one more time. "I promise not to take too long."

The small red dragon immediately got to work. It began to get the burglar into a golden threaded dress, then began to put makeup on her. The burglar scowled, but couldn't stop it because her hands and legs were tied to her chair. The dragon worked very slowly, clearly trying to impress her master. By the time Bilba next looked in the mirror, she was looking at herself covered in jewels and gold.

"Ugh," she muttered.

The dragon began to drag her chair into the room where the date was being held. It would be romantic if she weren't tied to a chair and being held against her will.

But then the Arkenstone queen came inside, and she was so beautiful. Oh, how pretty she looked in that jewel covered robe. And how sweetly she looked at Bilbo, oh it just melted the burglar's heart.

"Oh my glob, just stop this madness!" the burglar suddenly yelled.

The Arkenstone king looked offended. "Do you not like the fanfiction that I wrote for you?"

"Like? That should be classified as a torture device!"

"But I spent so much time working on it! We didn't even get to the end where you marry me and we live happily ever after, even though we're not guys!"

"Considering some of the weird stuff you've done, I don't really think that you making us girls is that weird. In fact, it's one of the easiest to understand things that you've done."

"So you do like it!"

"No, it means that I can actually see why you did it!" The burglar tried to untie his hands, but the ropes stuck.

"You won't be getting out of this date that easy!" the Arkenstone king said.

"Why you had to cover me from head to toe in jewels for this I will never understand."

"I just wanted you to look nice for your date!" The Arkenstone king frowned. "Can't we just enjoy our romantic dinner together?" He batted his eyelashes at him. "Isn't this candlelit dinner nice?"

Bilbo didn't know what was worse, being stuck on a forcible date with the Arkenstone king or listening to him read his self insert, Rule sixty-three burglar fanfiction. He continued trying to break himself free, hoping that the Ice King was wrong and that he would be able to free himself of his restraints. He just had to keep trying.


End file.
